GOAT Ronaldo carries out greatest beheading of all time

RIYADH: Carrying forth his fans’ billing of him as the “greatest of all time” football superstar Cristiano Ronaldo celebrated Saudi Arabia’s Founding Day by beheading a man at Al Nassr’s football ground on Wednesday.

The Portuguese legend celebrated the day with his Al Nassr teammates wearing the traditional daglah robe, and wielding a trademark Saudi sword, with which he decapitated a man sentenced to death by the Saudi authorities “for disrupting the social fabric”.

“GOAT! Greatest-of-all-time beheading,” exclaimed millions of social media accounts deeming Ronaldo’s beheading execution as the best in the millennium-and-a-half old history.

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With Ronaldo opening his account, many of his fans are wondering if he will break the record of the most beheadings in a calendar year.

“My GOAT be scoring hat-tricks of beheading soon, breaking all records! What’s Messi’s score?” exclaimed a popular Twitter handle with over a million followers now called @CristianoBeheadingCounter.

Many are also demanding that a Ballon D’Or for beheadings to commemorate the best in the world also be announced.

“We already knew of his heading ability. But he has proven his versatility by showcasing absolute world-class beheading ability, especially amid cut-throat competition,” said journalist and analyst Piers Morgan.

However, critics of Ronaldo, many of whom are fans of Lionel Messi, argued that the beheading shouldn’t be hyped up since it was more of a ‘tap-in’.

“Come back when he’s beheaded someone from outside the box or has one a World Cup in beheading,” wrote popular Twitter handle @MessiWillBecomeBeheadingGOAT.

Saudi authorities also appreciated the five-time Ballon D’Or winner, who signed a two-and-a-half-year deal with Al Nassr in December, for participating in the kingdom’s cultural activities and putting the country on the map.

“He’s already one of the greatest athletes of all time. Now the Middle East is witnessing his influence in the realm of culture and law enforcement,” Bader bin Abdullah bin Mohammed bin Farhan Al Saud, the Saudi Minister of Culture told The Dependent.

“Looking forward to Cristiano adding to his tally with beheadings for magic, blasphemy, and zina, and continue proving that he is the greatest of all time,” he added.

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The Dependent
The above piece is a work of satire and does not present itself as the truth.


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