Progressive MBS to introduce modern, reformist, cutting-edge beheading machines

RIYADH: Continuing his recent wave of reforms in the kingdom, Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman is all set to introduce progressive, modern, state-of-the-art beheading machines in Saudi Arabia.

Officials say that in a clear departure from its antediluvian past, the kingdom will now use modern technology to behead criminals.

“Now crimes such as adultery, atheism and sorcery, will not be punished through primitive execution machinery, namely a man and a sword, but through cutting edge decapitation machines,” a Saudi official told The Dependent.

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The Saudi Ministry of Science Research and Technology has formulated a Hydraulic Guillotine Cutter, or a Hydraulic Guillotine Decapitator, by expanding on the paper cutting technology so as to treat dissenting humans as a bunch of papers.

“This Hydraulic Guillotine Decapitator will only add to our paperwork,” said a grumpy official of the Ministry of Science Research and Technology, moments before being added to the first batch of human heads to be cut by the soon-to-be-unveiled Hydraulic Guillotine Cutter.

Sources close to MBS confirm that the Hydraulic Guillotine Decapitator is the latest in a long list of reforms that the Saudi crown prince hopes to implement not just in Saudi Arabia, but across the Muslim world.

“We’re also developing special W-Ray machines that detect Shi’ism, atheism, or any kind of heresy,” revealed a senior Saudi official.

“But in line with MBS’s reforms you’ll soon see women using those detectors to detect shirk, and soon women will even control the Hydraulic Guillotine Decapitator to behead people.”

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The Dependent
The above piece is a work of satire and does not present itself as the truth.


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